If you had asked me a month ago if I was looking forward to my summer holidays I would not have been able to answer the question. Of course, any holiday is fabulous and I cannot complain, however with all the craziness of cancelling flights, rebooking new ones, chasing up accommodation, making clinic appointments, finding insurance, chasing up finances, updating my teachers licence, fixing the hole in my roof, obtaining documents, preparing for my trip and wrapping up a school year I really did not have time to think about them, let alone have time to get excited or worry or freak out or build up to it or prepare for what may come in its entirity.
Fast forward to a week into my holidays and not having any life or work distractions has really played havoc with my mind and emotional state. It has left me plain and simply with anger. I have nothing to distract me and to mask the fact that I am in grief mode…well and truly. Definitely no denial phase here anymore.
There are many interpretations of the grief cycle however anger and depression have seemed to come simultaneously for me. The distractions of life and work had helped to keep me positive and even and had helped me to keep that mask firmly in place…being brave and light and airy, enabling me to tell people what they wanted to hear or wanted me to be.
I had allowed myself to think dark thoughts and look at all the bad things that could happen from this situation…I would be stupid not to, however I had never allowed myself to go too far down the ‘woe is me’ path or the dark and depressive path, choosing instead to move forward and try to work out what I needed to do in a positive (Amy) way.
Having no distractions have turned matters at hand on their head, created bad thoughts and carved a deep negativity within myself. All things that I cannot allow myself to be when the time comes to actually do this. I need to be in a relaxed and positive state and right now I am not entirely sure how to do that.
Being in Europe is fun and easy and great and I am having a lovely time however I am looking around and all I am doing is analysing everything…families, singles, couples, relationships, dynamics between people wondering how things will work with all outcomes. I am very much in my own head thinking about all scenarios and aspects, ensconced in an inner turmoil that if I don’t come out of it soon will drive me completely insane.
But how do I do that when everything is looming and I have to do this yourself? And how do I do it when thoughts are swirling surrounding the fact that I just feel completely backed into a corner and my hand a little bit forced by something beyond my control. You always assume that you will have choices in life but sometimes that is not completely true, not when nature intervenes.
Someone told me recently that sometimes my blog may be misinterpreted in terms of how I am feeling about it all and dealing with it because it comes across very light hearted…that was nice to hear but not exactly the truth of my situation. I thought that if I was to do it and everyone going through infertility justice then I need to be a bit more informative about the flip side too. It isn’t all light hardness, roses and acceptance and yes….I will get to a good place and I will be positive….that is who I am. However at this point I am unable to see how.
I need to continuously remind myself: One small step at a time. One foot in front of the other…..and of course…..the wonders, excitement and the food of Europe helps as a good distraction!
Roll on acceptance.