…there seriously is a song for every situation.
Being around people was what I had initially needed but then before I went back to Beijing I had definitely needed space.
Space to work through my feelings, to process things and to look toward what was coming next. I needed to prepare myself for the questions, having to face up to the fact that although this blog has helped me in way more ways than I had expected with all the support; acting as an outlet, eliminating taboo of infertility that I had previously experienced and for the sharing of stories, it has also opened me up to having to share my most personal experiences and answer questions that I may not be ready for or prepared to answer, especially in regards to the negative result.
Coming back to the realities of everyday life in some ways was relatively easy and in some ways it wasn’t. It gave me an outlet in the form of work and routine, returned the mask to firmly cover the real emotions and gave me a place to hide in plain sight.
I started acupuncture, joined yoga twice a week, swam twice a week, did a meditation APP as much as possible and went to counselling. I had an appointment or something that I did everyday. In true Amy fashion I even made a spreadsheet/table titled ‘I CAN do this’ to keep track of everything that I was doing.
I made myself so busy that I was unable to process my feelings, I could not verbalise them and I certainly wasn’t acknowledging them.
This caused many problems as people did not realise that I was crumbling. To them I appeared totally ok…fine….dealing with it in a positive way and moving forward. The simple truth was that I was not verbalising how I was feeling because I didn’t even know what I was feeling.
It took me a long time to figure this out, as I had firmly decided that there was nothing that anybody else could do. Which to be honest is the harsh but complete truth. I am the only one who can do things to get myself into a better position to undergo the second round, I am the only one who knows how it felt to be totally isolated and alone in Athens, I am the one that this happened to and am the only one who can prepare myself adequately to go through it all again.
After a particular session with the counsellor I realised that I was completely right. There was nothing anyone else could do BUT she made me realise that the ridiculous guilt that I was feeling because I assumed I would be ‘putting people out’ by asking them to do simple things when they offered was completely ridiculous.
So taking baby steps I asked my parents to help me locate the stimulants via online sites, I asked people on FB to give me TV series and movie recommendations and I asked people to come to a party I wanted to throw the week before I left, to let loose and to also thank them for all the things they had done for me.
Nothing too crazy but to me a HUGE ask. The funny thing was the immense feeling of pressure being lifted after asking people to give me suggestions for TV shows and receiving them was incredible. It lifted so much pressure off my shoulders, meaning I could easily take their suggestions and download them and not have to think, search, look up or ask around. So small, but so effective.
Along the way I am learning and doing tiny things that can help me prepare and get myself in a good place to go through this all again and I think it is working.
Only time will tell but I am willing to put in the work.