In the waiting area of Nantes airport I was catching up on a TV show ‘Kingdom’ and was floored when they did a toast that encaptured exactly how I was feeling. At first I had thought that what I was feeling was just numbness but then after this speech, or in reality a toast (complete with mini bar bottles of spirits), I realised that I was feeling all of these things…except maybe the self loathing part and unfortunately I have no pills to make the pain go away.
The toast went like this:
Woman: To panic attacks…and insomnia
Man: ….and depression
W: ….and rage and loss
M: ….and self loathing
W: …yeah, thats not me, thats you…..but bitterness…
M: I like it, I like it….hopelessness
W: …..oh, fuck, I’m swimming in that
M: …yeah….here’s to all the fuck’n pills that make the pain go away
M: …and fuck you god
Now, I’m not religious so that last part isn’t quite right but I am saying fuck you. I have no idea to who but that’s how I am feeling. I think that is bitterness speaking.
Insomnia and depression are old news, present since the day I found out I had a low egg reserve and a time limit. But rage, loss, pain and hopelessness are all new to the mix. Add numbness and you have Amy Martin right now.
The first round did not work.
Who knows why. I guess there is no use dwelling on things but my mind and body are not in a good place right now.
I seriously was questioning how I could do this all over again. The pain and hopelessness have been at the forefront of things.
Hopelessness has dominated everything and it makes it hard to get to a good place.
I guess with being on holiday all I am doing is looking toward when I get back to Beijing to get my body and head in a good place/space. I’m joining up to exercises classes as soon as I get back to leave no doubt that it was my body that let me down.
I will see a counsellor, no matter the cost, to talk things out, hopefully find acceptance and get my head in a good place.
I will use my obvious easy access to Chinese medicine and start acupuncture (more needles, I know) to help aid fertility – it’s a thing…believe me. Anything to help.
At least then I will have no doubt if it doesn’t work next time that I did everything I possibly could and that it will leave no doubt in my mind that I did everything I could have done to prevent it.
It will work.
See, I can still be positive, even if it is only a timid little whisper somewhere down deep.
I will get to a good place and do it all. over. again. Sometime. Somehow.