While in Sweden having a great time, thankful for the friends and family that surrounded me to take my mind off things, my friend mentioned that she had a few home pregnancy tests in her bathroom and that if I wanted to I could use one.
Initially hesitant, on the morning of my blood test to find out my results (AKA my HCG levels and Progesterone levels ), I gave in to temptation and asked her if I could use one and took the test.
It was quite hilarious. Every TV show and movie that you watch shows the woman taking the pregnancy test nervously peeing on the stick and waiting patiently for the results. It did not conger up any feelings of that for me. It was nothing like I expected. It was almost normal, another part of the process and a small step forward. Sweet step by sweet little step. Definitely no dramatic waiting scene here.
A few days previous I had noticed that two of the horrendous side effects that I have been experiencing – bloatedness and terrible face acne had miraculous disappeared (well the pimples had cleared but the belly bloat stayed around for awhile but the feeling of puffiness had mysteriously vanished (I have since found out that those symptoms are caused by Progesterone). I had mentioned this to my brother and said to him ‘I’m not trying to be negative here but I have a feeling that it might not have worked’. That bloody gut feeling getting put into play again.
A few minutes later and the stick was showing me a resounding ‘Negative’. There wasn’t even a tad bit of a faded line or a glimmer of hope. It was a flat out ‘NO’.
Wow. That was not what I was expecting…with an embryo actually implanted and copious amounts of pregnancy enhancing drugs in my system I expected at least a slight faded line – the dramatic part of the TV show or movie came into play here. Much to my surprise, apparently it doesn’t work like that.
It was a crazy feeling to explain, mainly because you are warned that you can have a false positive but you are never told that there is such a thing as a false negative. Maybe there is a reason for that and that is that maybe it just doesn’t exist. In my heart of hearts I knew and my poor friend had to see me try to take it in and try to hold it together as I waded through uncertainty. All credit to her (she is a pretty phenomenal person) and she was like ‘Feel it, let it out, do what you need to do and don’t worry about me or others’. So amazing.
For absolute clarity we ventured to downtown Stockholm to a clinic to get the blood test. After a lot of chat in Swedish we were able to determine that we could get the results rushed through and while I was waiting to board my plane to Nantes (via Brussels overnight), I could call to get my results. We then spent a very lovely afternoon riverside eating amazing Swedish food and then it was off to the airport I went.
My amazing ‘brother from another mother’ sensing my distress after saying goodbye to my actual brother in a flood of tears, jumped on the bus with me and helped me locate the next one to the airport and was there to just help me simmer down and get ahold of my emotions. I really am so thankful to all of my friends and brother through this time. It was great to have such genuine and incredible people around me, looking after me, knowing me and knowing what I needed without judgement. True, true friends that I will always treasure.
Unfortunately at the airport there was a mix up and I was not able to get my results (wrong phone number was given), and I had to wait until the next morning to call.
After a good sleep in Brussels (sometimes emotionally exhausted comes in handy), I stood outside the airport hotel waiting for the shuttle and again was denied my results as they told me they had sent it to my clinic (Serum).
Frantically, before I lost wifi, I shot an email off to Penny to tell her what was happening and that I would appreciate it if she could email me my results asap 1. Because I then would know if I had to organise another blood test in Nantes and also someone to do more butt shots for me and 2. because they were my bloody results!
Arriving in Nantes I was greeted by my bestie’s father and luckily with no wifi, a long drive and me trying to recall my rusty high school French (her father only speaks French), I was distracted long enough to make it to the tiny, gorgeous seaside town on the West coast of France.
Unfortunately for my bestie she was now lumped with me on edge and anxiously waiting for the email that would seal the fate of my first round.
It came in 2 forms. One from Penny and one from the blood test clinic in Sweden.
Thankfully the sereneness and the fact that I had already had over 24 hours to process the absolute negative from the home pregnancy test meant that I could take it on board a bit more easily. Not too gracefully mind you but much better than I or anyone around me expected I think. Don’t worry – there was a side of the road melt down a few days later to prove that I actually am human!
So we did the best thing we could do and that was to take my gorgeous friends wee one down to the ocean, where after 2 weeks of no swimming and following all the other ridiculous rules that I had to stick to, I waded out and dived straight into the ocean.
Celebrate the small things and look to the positive, that’s what I am trying to continue to do.