I woke up the day after having everything confirmed with clarity. I knew what I needed to do. It was weird. Up until the day before I was going back and forward, flip flopping between decisions. Do I leave it and adopt later if it doesn’t work, would I now consider egg donation if mine don’t work, would I freeze embryos, would I try IUI by myself, would I do IVF but to be honest it all stood on those results as they would give me a clear picture. And they did – a dire one.
So taking everything into consideration and looking at my wants and dreams. I knew what was the right thing to do.
I have decided to go ahead with the egg retrieval and embryo freezing (IVF), of which I will need at least 2 rounds (a small fortune). What I have also decided to do while I am there is to do a fresh embryo transfer as well, as I may not have any eggs or may only have a small number that are viable and I want to have the best chance possible. In laymen’s terms, I will try to see if i can get pregnant. Eeeeek!
I was going to freeze embryos in October and January/ February but now because of my situation and results my amazing clinic in Athens, Greece – Serum, have said due to my situation it is imperative that we do something right away and have managed to squeeze me in. They have been insanely incredible.
I was deadly scared to tell my parents – I mean how does that go down ‘Hi, guess what I want to be a single mum?’ Not necessarily the dream they had for me nor me for myself. It’s funny as I am sure most parents don’t want to see their children turn into teenage parents or even single parents but how do parents deal with something like this that happens to their child when they are an adult?! I was about to find out.
My parents and I have always been close, as any family we have our ups and downs but I always know they will be there for me. This situation however, was a little different, I had no idea how they would take it.
They have really given me space through this whole process and not really voiced their opinions very much, I guess giving me the room to adapt and take things in without other voices intervening. So it was amazing that when they rung to check in on me the next day and before I had even begun to tell them my decision they asked if I had considered ‘putting one back while I was there’ and that they would support that or whatever decision I made. I love the way life works sometimes!
Almost 3 weeks on and I’m dead scared. Not of what people will think but of the fact that it might not work. This decision was not made lightly, I have had months to think about it, the pros, the cons, the positives and the negatives and the process and I know it is the right decision for me and me alone but I can’t help but feel backed into a corner.
I have always wanted to be a Mum and that has not changed. Most people get to choose if they do become one or don’t, I can choose that and I know that it will happen for me in someway or another, however most people get to choose when, how or if they are ready. I don’t have any of those luxuries.
In my eyes, because of who I am, it is now or never. If I don’t try now I know I will be thinking about the ‘what if’s’ for the years to come and the ‘if only’s’ will haunt me for the rest of my days. I count myself lucky as someone who has no regrets in my life and I don’t want to start now.
I do feel backed into a corner on this as I can’t choose when it happens and I don’t have some one in my life to create a baby with. The life of a single mum….I mean who wants that and asks for it? So to plan and go ahead to try and become one seems a little ludicrous to me. But I have no choice…I know I want to be a Mum, I have always known. I know I want to try everything I can to have my own child first before I pursue other options. So this is it.
If this doesn’t work I will be devastated. At this point I can only imagine the pain I will go through but I need to try. What is that saying ‘It is better to try and fail, than fail to try’? or the even better one ‘I know that if I failed I wouldn’t regret that, but I knew the one thing I might regret is not trying’- Jeff Bezos.
However, I am also scared of the fact that it might work! All those questions – can I do this by myself? Am I strong enough? Can I provide? Am I ready to give up my lifestyle? Not to mention all of the other questions I am sure most people go through when they consider having a child. But as I said, I have no doubts that to try feels right, no doubts.
So in exactly 3 weeks time, it is off to Athens overnight to get more tests done and decide on a protocol that will best suit me (medications, stimulants for low quality, reduced egg reserve) and then 1 week later back to Athens for 2 weeks to get that ball rolling.
Now, to try and get over my needle phobia.